I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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