Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
