im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
