just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
