Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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