just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
