i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
