I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
