I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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