I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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