I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
splinters make it hard to masturbate
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Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
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are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT