After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
