I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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