If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
