he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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