she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
tequila makes me forget i have legs
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
