I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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