You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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