Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
