Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
