I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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