nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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