There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
