I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
