Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
