i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
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It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
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Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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