Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
