Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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