Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
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