Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
