i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
