I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If I die, sorry about rent.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
