i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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