The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
