im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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