oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
