No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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