i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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