I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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