My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
