chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
