i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
