Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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