dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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