it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
