i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Don't tell me you're on acid again
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
