I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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