i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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