happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
