i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
