I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
