i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
