its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
