if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
