True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How does it feel to date your dad?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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