shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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