I accidentally had phone sex last night
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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